Lomez Review- The Human Centipede **Spoilers**
So when I was trying to decide what cinematic gem I was going to bestow upon my unworthy eyes, I really wanted to go for something with true staying power. Something that, as the years pass, will be remembered as one of those movies that truly changed me, one that truly changed to world, and our perception of it. Unfortunately, all the Harry Potter movies were out at the video store, so I had to settle for this steaming pile of mediocre.
The sad thing is, mediocrity is exactly why this movie is such garbage. It was meant to be horrifying. Supposedly one of the most disturbing movies I was likely to see in coming years. You know how much of that is accurate? Fucking ZERO.
First of all, the entire beginning of the movie, the part meant to set the tone, makes no sense what so ever. A couple of girls get directions to a night club, end up driving into the woods (but do not stop despite there never, EVER, having been a good club in the fucking woods EVER), get a flat tyre and proceed to walk to safety. Not walk to safety in the conventional sense, though, that would have strained the writers too much, so instead, these perfectly capable, mentally healthy American girls decide to walk through the fucking forest in the pouring rain to find respite from their dire situation.
In their defence, they do make it to a house taking this route… Only it’s the house of the maniacal doctor who has been sewing living shit ass to mouth in his spare time ever since they cancelled whatever the German version of Dad’s Army got cancelled. They couldn’t have known, right? Except for the fact the guy looked batshit crazy from the fucking get go. If I rolled up to a house, especially a house in the fucking woods, you can bet your ass I’m turning right the fuck around and getting my ass home if the door is answered by some crazy as balls German guy in his PJ’s, basically sniffing me through the doorway before grunting “Are you alone?”.
Are you kidding? How many helpful individuals allow you in to their home for refuge, but not before confirming that you are, in fact, alone and that no one within spitting distance knows where you are? None. That’s how fucking many.
More irritating than the ridiculously basic tools used to achieve the writers desired outcomes, however, was the surprising lack of gore and disgust. Everyone who ever mentioned this movie to me had claimed it to be terrifying; absolutely disgusting to the point that no one should ever see it without a mental health professional present. Perhaps it was oversold, but I was severely let down.
You don’t see a single gaping wound. Not one speck of faecal matter, despite the fact the entire premise of the movie is three people, shitting through each other like some kind of disgusting train. I’m not saying I want to see these things, but when I watch a movie purely because it is meant to turn my stomach, I want my stomach to be wrenching so bad my belly looks like one of those delicious cinnamon scrolls they sell at the super market.
The one redeeming factor of this otherwise unimpressive outing is the doctor. Despite the ineptitude of the writers in creating plausible reasons for things to happen, this character was so well written, and so well acted, that it almost makes you forget that you’re watching one giant poop joke.
All in all The Human Centipede gets a solid 2.5 crazy Asian guys out of a possible 5 crazy Asian guys. That may not seem bad on the surface, but for a movie meant to shock and disturb, there is nothing worse than glaring mediocrity. Shame on you, Human Centipede, Shame. On. You.
Anyway, that’ll do it for today, thanks again for reading. Already got next weeks all lined up thanks to my boi Chris (Cheers again, man). So I hope you all enjoy!